Obituary: The Queen Has Died

Obituary: Queen Fausticorn Dies at 96 Centuries Old 

by Paige Turner, Royal Correspondent

 

Tribute piece by Anon

The Royal Canterlot press office has confirmed that Fausticorn, oldest living creature in the monarchy, and founder of the nation of Equestria, has passed away at ninety-six centuries old.

The Queen witnessed a tumultuous but very successful reign over her kingdom during her period on the throne, from the official founding after helping to banish the wendigoes to the opening of the borders that allowed all types of ponies to live and prosper in harmony. This also included the large influx of migrants during the first century of her reign from former Imperial territories and the Really Massive War, in which she spent service pulling an ambulance cart.

The entire nation of Equestria is in a state of mourning. She leaves behind a nation with rising costs of living on all sectors and increased racial tension partly due to the current war between the security forces of Mares' Co and the comedy campus town known as U Cryin', led by noted comedian Cheese Sandwich (real name Chaz Sandvichskyy).

She is survived by Celestia and Luna, two recently retired descendants who took over from her over a thousand moons ago. Questions are currently being raised as to who the next Supreme Ruler should be. This will either fall to Celestia's protege Prince Shining Armor as current ruler of the Crystal Empire (married to her Honorary Neice Princess Cadance Parker-Bowels) and his sister Princess Twilight, the ruler of Equestria. The most eligible will have to have the strongest line of succession, a matter of some contention.

This is because Prince Shining only has one child, Flurry Heart, and there are two from Princess Twilight, sometimes known affectionately as Princess Twi-Anna. But one of her children – Nyx – is considered by the public to be too boring and bland, and the other – Spike – is rumored to be ineligible as he looks so different to her that speculation is rife he is not her natural born child, or even the same species.

The Queen existed, like most other monarchs in our nation's history, to serve as as figurehead to fill the place that other, more powerful individuals would use a base for tyranny. In her time she has been seen as the spirit of the entire pony nation, the moral glue that held us together – even those of us who did not like her unelected and unaccountable soft powers of influence – as a symbol of what we are.

 

She was loved by many. She was idolized, even given cult-like status – much like many of our readers with Twi-anna. She was also hated by many. She was demonized, and even her hatred was given a cult like status. This ranged from genuine anger at her privileged position she inherited from a thousand years of her ancestors subjugating natives at home and abroad, to pseudointellectual TV hosts calling her “the chief monarch of a thieving raping genocidal empire” seemingly forgetting that the governments under her, in more recent times, were at fault as they owned the real power and could depose her if she broke impartiality to speak, giving them absolute power.

This is both the strength and flaw of such a constitutional monarchy, of which she was a symbol. Even if that symbol's true meaning is not clear, it is a symbol of us and our history, and nobody can fail to appreciate the strength of national character that comes from that. At the very least, it can be said she represented a link to past generations, which may explain why it seems so hard for many to adjust. And very easy for so many devotees and critics to take the chance to have spurious arguments on Flutter, helping to further bury the issues that are currently affecting everyone and about to get far worse.

We will of course be covering any drama with the tact and professionalism that can be expected here at Horse News.

The Queen passed away a day after meeting the new Griffish Prime Minister, Liz the Thrush, allegedly suffering from severe electrocutions after the rain from an open window caused the new PM to short circuit. Her final words are recorded as “One must sometimes understand that they cannot get everything one wants, in this case, dying beforehand.”

This author's opinion is merely that despite being a republican, she nevertheless hopes that the kids are okay. Godspeed, you crafty old nag. You got out before things got too horrendous.