The Totally BONKERS AF ‘My Little Pony’ Movie NOBODY Has Ever Heard Of

By Daniel Derpery

This rather old article was originally published here on Tacked.com, but is republished here due to monetary obligations. The editors have permitted this, in line with their policy on internal re-publishing for the same reasons. 

So, I don’t mean to sound like I’m trying to gain unnecessary hipster credits, but I was a fan of My Little Pony BEFORE it was cool.

I was a fan back when it was weird, trippy, and commercialised and hard to follow. Unlike the modern incarnation. See, back in the mid-Eighties, an animation studio called Sunbow, who you might remember from their parade of obscure toy commercials for Bigfoot and the Muscle Machines (even though you’ve never heard of it, apparently), decided they were gonna do the same for Hasbro’s other property, My Pretty Pony. And it’s pretty good, but it tried to be a commercial that wasn’t too expensive and wasn’t going to make the kids (that’s you cool dudes out there) fall asleep BUT to do that they had to make it VERY SCARY BUT the sountrack is REALLY FUCKINGK AWESOME.

 

 
It was pretty popular, and so Sunbow probably figured that a sequel would be a good idea. Go fact-check that yourself if you don’t believe me. Even though it’s really obscure. BUTt a completely different company was already on that. Allspark,  had hired Lauren Faust (director most recently of the awesomeness The Powerpuff Girls in 2016) to helm their own version of My Little Pony. You can tell from interviews back in the day that Faust really adored the material, but a combination of budgeting issues and Lauren’s evolving fascination with the psychology of horses and greek mythology would lead this show to be an oddity at best. I will say that it is downright beautiful at  times, though.

 

BUT! She wanted to separate it into My Little Pony the Movie and Guardians of Harmony, but that didn’t fly with Hasbro, who figured that nobody would see a movie with ‘the Movie’ in the titles. So they made the first film and left it at that. 

This couldn’t have been better for Sunbow, who worked with DHX and leapt into a cartoon based on the rejected Guardians of Harmony script (Faust’s sequel lives on as a series of toys,,,)because if you squint hard enough it’s like these two completely separate series made by two completely separate companies for the same toy company with lots of callbacks to the original are sequels to the original! I’m sure someone could’ve attempted a lawsuit here, but Allspark was too busy getting bankrupted by their four hour thoughtful cowboy movie, whose name needs no mention (or Googling) to wonder if another company was dipping their toes into the pony pond. 

And so that’s how, when I was a kid I had parents that bought VHS tapes on a random basis, I got to own all of the My Little Pony Adventures years before Pony Life came out. And I treasured them. The much loved pony adaptions that nobody else remembered there that’s 500 words invoice enclosed. 

Related: this article regurgitates a stub on another site to form an opinion (a fucking obvious one).

The Final Solution: Cleansing the Fandom of Channer Scum

Two of the largest surviving fandom Web sites have decided to quietly make significant rule changes in order to prevent political opinions they disagree with and to kill off a long-lived, innocent OC pony. That's right, they've finally come for Aryanne, and they're doing their best to keep their holocaust on the DL. Don't want the normies who aren't paying attention from discovering their intentions and rising up to protest these authoritarian changes, right?

Seaquestria Fest Exposing Everything, Scapegoats To Hide Ineptitude

Seaquestria Fest is exposing everything!

Seaquestria Fest (or SQF) is a hippogriff fandom convention in the middle of nowhere, Ocean City, Maryland.  Attempting to capitalize on the open wound left in Maryland by BronyCon's departure, this upstart con decided it'd be a good idea to host their event over 100 miles from the nearest major international airport.  That was just the first sign of their ineptitude.  The most recent is their exposure of the details of every staff, vendor, panelist, volunteer, musician, etc. application via open Google Document links.

William Shatner wins Horse Semen in Divorce

William Shatner, voice of Grand Pear in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is leaving divorce court victorious. Shatner has won "all" the horse semen in his settlement with his fourth wife Elizabeth, with whom he separated last year. The couple's divorce was filed in December and settled shortly after.

Shatner's ex-wife will keep their homes in Malibu Cove and Versaille, Kentucky but it is clear who really came out on top. Shatner is entitled to the semen and breeding rights of 2 horses "Renaissance Man’s Medici and Powder River Shirley". He also gets to keep the "equipment used for breeding" as well as 2 dogs according to court documents.

Anons on /mlp/ showered loads of praises on Shatner for his success.

The Zebra Issue Isn't Black and White

Editor's note: Here we present yet another article from yet another anon on this topic, because why not and we obviously don't have any real content to publish and this is better than nothing I guess.  But seriously, I think this'll be the last one.  I'm 90% sure.

Now, I'd like to preface this article with a bit of introspection. Privilege is a very foreign concept to me, especially after having met so many different people in my short 9 years in the fandom. Coming from a background with a black father and Asian mother, whose resources were taken by hurricanes and internment camps respectively, I still meet people with fair skin and supposed privilege that have lives far worse than mine. I sincerely hope that one day we can follow in Dr. King's words and finally set this racial butthurt behind us. Be you white or black, Asians imperial or jungle, we were all once kangs 'n' shit.

Just Get Better Jokes: Clout, Comedy, and Cancel Culture

Editor's note: This is a response piece to an editorial submitted by a valiant and brave anonymous writer entitled Implying Slavery In Pursuit of Clout.

Let's begin with the title in and of itself, because it speaks to the stunning lack of self-awareness the writer will proceed to portray throughout the rest of the editorial. What the author is attempting to do is to portray anybody who has even a slight criticism with tired, racist jokes as a clout-chaser just doing it for attention. Unfortunately this logic doesn't hold up on several points: chief of them being that everything is done for clout on social media. 

Taking Out the Trash: The Existential Crisis of the Brony Fandom - OP-ED by @SilverEagleDev

Editor's Note: This article is an OP ED fan submitted counter argument by Silver Eagle, in response to the previous OP ED on the same topic.


Man, remember 2012? Those were simpler times. Pony was a paradise back then, when we all bopped along to Avast Fluttershy’s Ass and did the Gangnam Style dance in unison at cons. There was no politics, no factions, no drama, no callouts. We were all one happy family, loving and tolerating each other.

I hate to break it to you, but it was doomed from the start.

Implying Slavery In Pursuit of Clout: An Anonymous Op-Ed

Editor's Note:This article was sent to us by an anonymous member of the community.  We lack the required testicles to have written it ourselves.

This image has been altered to remove any signs of racism

The comedy writer is like the conscience of the king. He's got to tell the truth. And that's my job, to make terrible things entertaining. 

Such is the challenge of a comedian, and usually people who complain about it being 'problematic' and 'extremely subjective' are the least-funny people around. It is true that comedy can be subjective, and far more importantly comedy can simply be unfunny. However, in terms of the latter, people have tried to unpack the reasons behind what makes something 'unfunny.' Comedy is far from my expertise—though I'll indulge in it like a drunk at a bar (or while drunk at a bar)—and I'll not pretend to be a specialist in it nor speak with any great authority; but I have noticed a trend over my life that's worth submitting for the reader's consideration: The people who complain about comedy and those who make unfunny works are not only virtually the same; they are the most tone-deaf, unrealistic, horribly sensitive, weak-willed people you'll find.

I have to start off with that little piece because what I'm writing about today plays into this. I'll refrain from any further waxing on the nature of the subject or delve into anything unrelated and just keep it straightforward to tell what happened, though I'll sprinkle some further quotes from this one comedian to keep things in mind. That being said, let's get the quick rundown of what happened: a funny horse artist decided to do a big meme for his horse artist friend for his birthday and Twitter got mad.

PostBot: New Pony Info from TV GuideRequested RSS Feed Not Found

HorseNews PostBot-Mark II here, bringing you the latest My Little Pony News from TVGuide.com. They posted something about pastel horses and we know that's your thing. Check out the details below, and wait for those lazy bums to come edit this to make it relevant.

Here's the Latest from TV Guide

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from TV Guide: Bad RSS Request http://www.tvguide.com

Horse Game Updated - Now with VIOLENCE

Horse News is not dead yet - and neither is Horse GAME. They've just released a Combat Demo for the ongoing ambitious video game project. It looks cool as hell. Check out what they have to say.