Frontline Dispatch: Maud Pie Releases Demands

 Frontline Dispatch: Maud Pie Releases Demands

Maud Pie, the self proclaimed rightful ruler of Cheese Sandwich's campus and farm town in the East of Equestria, has released demands amidst her invasion for the immediate cessation of the conflict. Invading the shepherd's town of Ewe Crying and declaring herself 'Vladdy Maud Pie Tin' and 'Big Daddy Vladdy' she has been making similar demands for weeks that the rest of the Equestrian Council have repeatedly rebuffed as non-starters. The demands were relayed to our reporter by a mediator who listened in.

Today's are similar. Let's dive into what they are:

 

The first demand is for Ewe Crying to sign guarantees into its Constitution that it does not join NEATO (Non-Equine Agricultural Tending Organisation), the Canterlot Council's initiative for providing food for non-pony residents in times of war and ensuring business continuity. Ewe Crying has grounds to join, it claims, purely owing to the fact that they have a large population of non-Earth ponies and non-pony citizens.

Further to this, the second demand is that the small farms of the Don'task region are recognised as Earth Pony only, and that Earth dialects of Ponish are historically recognised in the town charter and taught in the arts and entertainment college in Ewe Crying, known as U Laughing.

Thirdly and most difficult, Pie Tin, as she is calling herself, is demanding the removal of campus security and armed land management including gamekeepers, and what she calls the de-Nastyfication of the entire town. This has been met with repeated dismissal by Mayor Sandwich as a fabrication, In response to claims that the town is in the control of Nasties brandishing the 'friendship windmill' emblem. Claims have emerged of some individuals belonging to an armed team with such an emblem attacking farmers on Earth Pony-run farms in the Don'task neighbourhood.

HN have yet to verify such claims. So far we have only seen one photo of a mare known as 'Aryanne' on a bus stop. Maud Pie claims 'Aryanne' is worshipped by the locals and that this is evidence of local Nasties. Our forensic photoshop expert has determined that this is a fake, as shown by some of the pixels, and having seen many such shops in his time. The photo is clearly doctored to insert 'Aryanne'.

A horn has also been doctored in, to hide the fact 'Aryanne' is clearly an Earth Pony herself. It also appears that the photo has taken place somewhere on Earth.

Some experts believe Mares' Co may have doctored this evidence of 'fascists'. Believe it or not.

The fourth demand is that Mayor Cheese Sandwich acknowledges that 'Vladdy Maud Pie Tin' “is not only wonderful, but bestest pony, and they get all the toys and sweets they want, and has great hair – beautiful hair, the best hair, beyond hair.”

A corollary to this is that people acknowledge her as mature, adult, sensible, and totally normal.

The fourth demand is the Ewe Crying recognise the easternmost river running through the town as belonging to Mares' Co, and giving them sole monopoly on the resources it contains. This includes the clay mine, water wheel and other essentials powered by the river, which runs through the Don'task region.

The mediator informs us that she tried to clarify with Vladdy Maud Pie Tin. “Which river are you referring to?”

The response was a long and confusing rant from Vladdy Maud Pie Tin “Historically da the river belonged to Mares' Co. Was gifted to Ewe Crying a few years back. Created a raft of security issues for Mares' Co, Iz only a gift so we can haff it back whenever we want, and it is historically und ethnically Earth Ponies only who use it. Dis is why Vladdy Maud am entitled to shell everything in sight” before redacting this and stating “Er, I mean NOT shell everything in sight, because is just trainink exercisez, da, but iz all Mares' Co land, so I can be doink if I wish!”

The mediator managed to figure it out. “Oh, Vlad, Crymea River!”

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