Did Iron Will Slap Tom the Rock Due To Scientologist Upbringing?

 Celebrity Minotaur Sits Down With HN, Tells All 

In the aftermath of Iron Will slapping comedian Tom the Rock on live television yesterday on The 94th Annual Pantomime & Barn Dance Awards, there was widespread controversy from the 10,000 or so ponies who heard about it. Almost 1,000 times those who had watched it. The motivational speaker sat down with us to clear the air, once we found a reporter who was free to deal with this urgently vital issue.

So what exactly was it?

Well, basically, as you know, Tom had been asked to host this year as the usual comedian is preoccupied with a sort of land dispute or something or other – Iron Will forgets what – and he'd been asked to do his usual thing, you know, PG-level humor, bit cheeky, nothing too bad, sort of thing.

And the Usual Comedian is?

Cheese Sandwich.

Do you know more about why he can't attend?

Eh, Iron Will knows it was a fight of some description about boundary disputes? I only caught a brief snap of it when m'butler Geoffrey Goat was flicking through t'tellybox while I was in my gold plated hot tub polishing my awards. But I put the town flag in my Flitter tag line like everyone else was, so that's good, innit?

Cheese Sandwich is the Dean of the comedy college at U Laughing and newly elected Mayor of the surrounding sheep farm town of Ewe-Crying. He is currently fighting an invasion from Mares' Co, the next town over. There are currently widespread fear this could escalate into a war that envelopes the entirety of Equestria and even the entire Pony Continent.

Anyway, what brought this on?

Well, you know. I'd come there for a nice night, I'd been nominated for my award (Best Speech), and I was there with the marefriend. Tom's hosting, making little jabs here and there, all good clean fun. But then he came at her with a joke – you know, THAT one, I'm not repeating it here. And I was so incensed by it that my anger welled up. And next thing I know I was up on stage, punching him in the … the facet?

And you still got your award after?

Yes, and up on the podium, Iron Will apologised. Iron Will apologised to all the actors, all the writers, all the people, including Tom the Rock. Iron Will would like to take the time, again, to say how utterly and unequivocally sorry I am. Iron Will says one should take their medicine. Like Iron Will always says, 'Apologise and get PENALIZED!' Hurgh!

He proceeded to pose multiple times and flex. Our Editor Newsie had to be dragged out the room.

That's not what it normally means, though.

Iron Will's comments are nuanced and layered! Teach comedian lesson about offense by responding in most offensive way possible! With violence! And audience think he has no sense of irony, but Iron Will does! Like Iron Will says: 'Get better by GOING META!' HURGH!

He proceeded to pose again. This gave such a hot flush to our tea lady that she actually dumped the entire steaming vat over her head to cool off.

Are you crying?


Naturally, the comedian's fans latched onto the drama, making memes. This photo shows that his fans can complain about drama and 'cancelling' while doing the exact same nonsense.

You were caught crying on camera afterwards, is there more to this?

No I wasn't. Even though I'd punched a rock with my bare hands!

But at first you were laughing at the joke?

That was an involuntary reaction. Iron Will's girlfriend wasn't bloody laughing.

And that was what set you off?

No, Iron Will feels this comedian had it coming.

So there was something else behind this?

No, Iron Will has no previous history. There are no issues with other people.

What about your girlfriend?

Why would she have anything to do with the history?

I didn't mean that. I was asking how she felt-

It doesn't matter how Iron Will's girlfriend felt, she was going through a lot, so what if her private life is untoward? It's not her fault she turned to cheating, dammit! She's had a ton of shite to deal with, the press keep making her into a spectacle, and now Iron Will himself! Iron Will is an adult male with emotion, not to be exploited by stupid press!

Have you been exploited by anyone else, say, the public?

Yes! Ponies first cheer girlfriend for cheating on Iron Will! They made fun of Iron Will! Call her strong minotaur lady punching up against toxic man Iron Will! Then when Iron Will punches comedian, they say good for strong man Iron Will! Iron Will says, think before tweeting, make bloody minds up! Iron Will is not your puppet!

Do you think they'd feel differently if it was two ponies? Or not minotaurs?

Absolutely! Iron Will feels the pressure, Iron Will is always in the public eye.

Are those two groups the same people, though?

Not always, will often be different, people don't change their minds too much, but let Iron Will ask. If two different opinion groups are interconnected so much, why do they not share opinions and come to some consistent thought? Why do so many change from the middle ground to strong opinion when they just hear of it? Because they only react to whatever the media shoves in their faces! They don't think! Empathy cuts both ways and they don't have it!

So is this a cry for help?

Iron Will says no. Iron Will wants to make sure that there is empathy, not idolization and manufactured sympathy! Bundled with an expectation of exploitation! Stop using Iron Will for your own agendas! Celebrities do not live for you!

Did the Church of Scientology show you empathy when you worked for them? Or did they exploit you?

Iron Will, as a multibillionaire, might be a bit disconnected from the public, it's possible. But I never lacked for empathy there. They treated me right and made me stand up for myself. Iron Will is paying that forward and starting an Academy to teach young people to start on that self-affirmation journey! Iron Will got the idea from humans.

Would this include the Scientology Tone Scale to promote compliance? As part of the empathy? Or is that exploitative, perhaps?

Iron Will cannot talk about that. Iron Will left several years ago anyway.

But surely some of the effects on you still remain? They won't have gone immediately?

Iron Will refuses to comment. This is not true. I am not going to force compliance into anyone. And if you don't print that line I'll sue you.

Is that because it was too painful to talk about? Do you think you'll ever speak up for yourself?

Just because Iron Will keeps his frustrations silent and then punches a random person doesn't make him a fake macho tough guy who bottles up his anger out of fear. Honest. I'm truly tough! 'NO HESITATION! JUST INSPIRATION!' It's tough to apologise on live television!

To a group of equally rich friends who let you go up to get your award after punching a dude?

Shut the fuck up.

Could your time in the Church have affected you negatively? The Keep Scientology Working doctrine has a proven track record of teaching high-ranking members to be violent to subordinates...

Iron Will cannot comment, will not comment, hates violence. And if you mention it again I'll knock your fucking block off.

Thank you for your time. Perhaps as a journalist I should've treated this more gently.

Here at Horse News, we love empathy, so we will be covering this story and subsequent drama every day for the next two weeks. Because we care. We also hate violence and exploitation, and do not entertain it here, so we will be implementing a 'most read' rank order and move all that nasty stuff about the war going on down to the bottom of the page so you aren't troubled. This is more important anyway. Remember to upvote us on Reddit!

Screenshot from Iron Will's latest, eh, masterpiece.

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