Invasion Dispatches: Mayor Cheese Sandwich Opens Negotiations, Issues Response

 Invasion Dispatches: Mayor Cheese Sandwich Opens Negotiations, Issues Response

Note: if you want to assist humans who are suffering in the crisis, here is a list of reputable charities to consider donating to.

Click here for previous coverage of the Pony War 2022. 

In the past few moments, Mayor Cheese Sandwich has declared a formal response to Maud Pie's demands, as located in our previous dispatch here. This was during the first round of talks today

The Mayor has once again reaffirmed that he will not be ceding any territory of his town (Ewe-Crying) to Mares' Co Research Company, run and owned by Maud Pie, sister to Pinkamena 'Pinkie'. He has, however, agreed to keep the township politically neutral and unincorporated from NEATO or the Canterlot Council. Here is a roundup of the day's events, after the jump.


 Mayor Cheese Sandwich (birth name Zandwichsky) issued a press release today.

Talks took place today in the neutral dragon lands, which is a member of NEATO (Non-Earth Pony Agricultural Tender Organisation) but a corporate affiliate and ally to both Ewe-Crying and Mares' Co. This is a very hot country located in the south of the pony continent. They were held by Dragonland viceroy Tayyip Airdragon.

Amid party cannons and rockets launched at Cave (the town centre) and Car Cave in the East of Ewe-Crying, Mares' Co forces have allegedly been seen to pull back further. More so in recent days, than can be accounted for by the successful counterattacks of Ewe-Crying security forces.

It was then confirmed by independent observers that some of the armoured cars are leaving. Originally this was believed to be a regroup, as Maud Pie, given the nickname Vader Maud Pie Tin by the public, had announced a plan to refocus their mission on simply securing the Don'task neighbourhood on the Eastern edge of town.

This was hailed by Equestrian police intelligence as a sign of admission of defeat. However, 'Vladdy' Maud has a proven track record for lying at this point. Firstly denying the invasion would happen, calling it training exercises. Then, when the invasion occurred, referring to it as a 'special operation', while her Town Council initiated a ban on any of the three newspapers or local TV station referring to it as an invasion. Then stating that she would stop the firework launches at neighbourhoods to allow families to evacuate, while the shelling continued.

So she has promised further action to reduce attacks on Cave and Car Cave 'substantially', but experts doubt if there will be any meaningful action.

In return, Ewe-Crying are proposing to remain politically neutral and not join NEATO. They also want all Mares' Co security forces out.

On the ground, however, Ewe-Crying forces are resisting thoroughly, even going on the counter attack. There are more preparations being made for another Mares' Co assault, which intelligence experts suspect may come after their regrouping.

Cheese Sandwich still remains in Cave. We were able to catch up with him briefly, detailing some of the plans in place should the Mares' Co withdrawal turn out to be a ruse.


What are your plans?

'We've got a ton of new defences in place.' He pointed to a building on the other side of the Crying River. 'Our volunteers are doing a great job, and there's a bunch of great characters. This building on the slope here, on the South side of the road - they've got orders to blow it up and block the valley, so Mares' Co forces can't reach the bridge. Just in case the building detonators don't work, this building on the other side has been rigged to blow as well. And its detonators are on a dead man's switch.'

So if the south side building doesn't blow up, the north side one will automatically? 

'Absolutely. He continued. 'So I've got this new private in charge of lookout, all brass and boot polish, and I gave him a spot check to see how well he knows what to do. He'd be stationed on top of the north side building. It's absolutely vital that we avoid blowing that north side building at all costs.'


'It's a decommissioned sewage plant.'

Ah, I see.

'So anyway, I asked him, “What would you do if you saw the armored cars coming down the street?'

He said “I'd radio the demolitions expert to blow the charges on the southern building's foundations. He's down the road.”'

And what if they don't work?

'Ah, well, I asked him that, and the young foal said “I'd run down the north hill and check the control box on the road, make sure that the wires were all connected properly. Then I'd run up the hill on the other side to the building, make my way into the basement and check the charges hadn't been ruined by damp.”'

Did you ask him what to do if they didn't work either?

'Oh yes, he knew that one off by heart. He said, clear as day, “I'm brave, Mister Mayor. I'm so brave in fact that I'd run BACK DOWN the hill, under increasingly heavy fire no doubt, and grab as much plastic explosives as I could. I'd run ALL the way back up, back into the basement, slap that onto every detonator I could find, hoof it all the way back down and grab a Mega Supernova 3000 Firework and fire it right at the basement!”'

'I asked him, what if THAT doesn't work, hoping to stump him. What if he couldn't blow up the southern side building that way? And then he said “I'll get my Uncle Buryatka.”'

...Why would he get his Uncle Buryatka?

'He said “Because he's never seen a sewage explosion before!”'

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