Official Horse News Winter Style Guide

Cold winter weather is just around the corner, and your graphic tees and cargo shorts just don't cover enough of your body from the elements on the rare occasions you actually go outside.
Scarf, saddle, and boots
Pros: Shows you are really into some kinky shit
Cons: You'll probably freeze to death

That's right, it's time for a complete wardrobe overhaul, and your good friends at Horse News have you covered on the styles that will have you looking at the top of your game this winter!

Your Hairstyle

Before you even start thinking about what you're going to wear, you have to make sure your physical appearance is on point.  A poor hairstyle can ruin your entire outfit, no matter how much effort you put into it.  You'll need something that is both appropriate for the weather and good-looking.

We at Horse News recommend you grow out your hair as long as possible.  Girls go crazy for guys with flow and the longer hair will help you to keep your head warm on those cold days.  To look extra suave, try to get a bit of facial stubble going.
Such luxurious flow!
Insider protip: Avoid washing your hair if at all possible.  The weather will probably get cold enough to freeze freshly washed hair.


While always a solid fashion choice, that fedora you've been rocking all summer just won't do enough to keep your face warm.  You'll need to pick out something that will protect your face from the elements yet add to your overall appearance.

We at Horse News recommend that you pick up a ski mask.  Not only will it give off an aura of you being dark and mysterious, but people may even mistake you for an athlete!  As soon as you walk into a store, everyone's eyes will be on you.  Most people will respect you so much that they'll give you extra personal space!

Insider protip: Wear a collar around your neck to keep the wind from getting in under your mask!
Shirt and Coat

While your summer graphic tee is usually a solid clothing choice, you need to mix it up every once in a while.  Can't have people thinking you only have one shirt because you're a fat lazy neckbeard who never leaves the house!
Hot fire...
We recommend you add this classy yet "hot" button-down to your clothing collection.  Not only is it versatile enough to wear on both formal and informal occasions, but it will also show you know how to stay warm in winter while still looking fresh.

That being said, those short sleeves just won't be enough to keep you warm.  You'll need to wear something over this, and what better than a classic look: The trenchcoat!
Not only will it keep you warm and cozy on your occasional venture outdoors, but it will also give you the look of an action movie superstar!  Just be careful— someone might call you instead of the police if there's an emergency, you badass, you.

Insider protip: Pack on extra stomach fat for warmth!  Eat even more Cheetos, Mountain Dew, and fast food than you normally do.  If anyone questions your dietary habits, just tell them you're "dirty bulking!"


You can't just leave your hands exposed to the elements; how would you search for porn if your fingers were too frozen to type?  You also can't just leave them in your pockets near your crotch for too long, because apparently I "can't do that in public" and "am never allowed near the playground again."

You need something that will keep your hands warm, but gloves can often reduce the functionality of your hands.  This is why we recommend you pick up a pair of fingerless gloves!
Oh, I know what you need those exposed fingers for...
These gloves will give you the luxury of being able to keep your hands warm while leaving most of your fingers open for use.  This will come in handy if you need to do something like send a quick text message, or grip and unsheath your katana if someone insults your waifu.

Insider protip:  Worried about your fingertips being cold?  Just eat a bag of Cheetos before heading outside and leave the layer of dust on them!


That pair of cargo shorts you've been rocking all summer sure is convenient.  It allowed breathability to your legs as well as the convenience of always having enough storage space.  If only there was an article of clothing like them but longer...
HOLY FUCKING SHIT, ARE YOU GUYS SEEING THIS?  This beautiful garment gives you all the convenience of cargo shorts with all the length and coverage of pants!  And, as if they weren't enough of a gift from the heavens, they come in camo!  People will treat you with the respect of a war hero!

Insider protip: Make sure to get a belt to go with your cargo pants.  Make sure to pick one out with a large belt buckle!  If you can't find a big enough belt buckle, just hide your belt by wearing a fanny pack.


While the rest of your outfit may be on point, you'll look downright silly if you go outside in your bare feet (not to mention the high probability of frostbite).  At the same time, you need something breathable enough to prevent that noxious foot odor when you take your shoes off.

Which is why we at Horse News recommend you pick up a new pair of Crocs and couple them with a pair of knee-high socks.  Crocs have a number of holes that will allow plenty of air flow to get to your feet.  While that would normally leave your feet incredibly cold, wearing a pair of socks will solve that problem.

Insider protip: Too much snow outside and don't want wet socks?  Pick up a pair of Uggs for Men!  Thousands of basic white girls can't be wrong!

While going outside is rarely something you do by choice, there may come a time when you do in fact have to do it.  But when that time comes, at least you'll be prepared to turn heads and look at the top of your game!

Comments (9)

  1. Real men don't wear crocs or fedoras.

    1. Look, someone got the joke!

  2. I normally prefer to go with a turtleneck under a leather jacket, but damn...
    Normally I don't mess with the classics, but this has truly inspired me to mix it up a bit!

  3. well this post made me feel like shit

  4. With how cold and windy it gets in the winter where I live ski masks are almost necessary if you don't want snotcicles and frozen eyeballs. It isn't winter until you have to wear three layers of clothes to keep your balls from freezing.

  5. So.... How long are we going to avoid blaming Rarifag for what happened in the 4chan cup? 4chan cup is srsbzns and I demand all guilty to be punished for not defending MLP's true status of 4chan master race!

  6. I will start wearing this as soon as possible.

  7. You make that joke about frozen hair, but that shit's happened to me. Wash hair, go for the train to work, hair freezes into anime spikes.