MLB Investigating Pony-Related Hazing Incident

Hazing has become a generally accepted rite of passage for many social clubs and sports teams, and many individuals have experienced it to some degree but not our readers because they're a bunch of basement-dwelling introverts. It comes in a variey of forms and degrees and is usually either mental or physical in nature.

"Wait a second, HN, you guys are all a bunch of faggots. What's wrong with a bunch of dudes being forced to perform borderline homosexual actions?"
On the bright side, nowhere near the worst cosplay we've ever seen

This. This scene from the locker room of the Cincinnati Reds is what's wrong. And the Major League Baseball Player's Association agrees.

Let's back up a bit for those of you who have never had the semi-erotic pleasure of being hazed. As we said, it comes in a number of forms: Rookies on sports teams often have to wear effeminate clothing, fraternity pledges are subjected to mind games and elephant walks, some seniors on my high school's basketball team fingered one of the team's freshmen (and people ask me why I never played for that team...), and HN writers have to give Capper a rimjob after Taco Tuesday.
Elephant walks: Probably not what you think they are...
The point is, it's all just fun and games until criminal charges are filed designed to help you bond with your new teamates/pledge brothers/fake news site writers by making you share a bond deeper than just friendship (n-no homo...).

But every once in a while, something goes terribly wrong. Maybe a fraternity pledge dies because they were being a fucking pledge in a terrible accident. Or maybe four guys on your high school's basketball team are arrested for rape. Or, worst of all, maybe you have to go an entire day with people thinking you're their waifu.

"This kind of hazing is both cruel and inhumane," says MLBPA leader Tony Clark. "This kind of thing can cause both mental and physical anguish to a young baseball player and has no place in civilized society."

The player dressed as Rainbow Dash, Billy Hamilton, was admitted to a local psychiatric ward following the incident. While he has said very little on the subject, there are a number of eyewitness reports claiming that Hamilton was "verbally accosted" by passers-by throughout the day, with such dirty phrases as "I want to cum inside you!" and "I'm gonna shove my three-inch penis into your moist, glistening ponut!"
Artist's rendition based on eyewitness reports from the scene of the abduction
There are also reports that Hamilton was abducted by a roving gang of neckbeards and held captive for the better part of an afternoon. Police were quick to respond to reports of the incident and were able to secure Hamilton's release with great haste, largely because they abductors did it in a public area in the middle of the day and left a number of Cheeto-dusted fingerprints in their wake.
Artist's rendition of the captors
The MLBPA will likely file formal charges against the abductors on Hamilton's behalf. The severity of punishment for the Cincinnati Reds is yet to be determined, but many officials agree that being in the same state as Cleveland is probably punishment enough.

We totally weren't late on reporting this because we were jacking off to a muscular dude dressed as Rainbow Dash. Nope.

n-no homo...

Comments (3)

  1. I have a hard time figuring out whether this is real or not.

  2. Anything labeled as "entertainment" is an Onion style fake news article. If it's labeled "too stupid to make up" it's true.

  3. Since you guys aren't using the "reply" thread function, I guess I'll just make another non-reply comment. I thought that this article was loosely based on a true recent news story.