Jaxblade saves person from mugging - tests positive for performance enhancing mayonnaise

He is not the hero this fandom deserves....but the one it needs. Tonight, #horsefamous fitness enthusiast "JaxBlade" was witnessed stopping a mugging after the conclusion of BronyCon. The feat was noted to be of almost a superheroic capacity, leading experts to test him. What they found was shocking.

JaxBlade, who "ran down 4 flights of stairs" in "40 seconds", potentially saving someone's life on the unforgiving streets of Baltimore, tested positive for performance enhancing condiments, connected with his unicorn milking routine he demonstrated at the beginning of the convention. JaxBlade notes that this workout "really helps bulk up the biceps", before grunting "yeah!".

As we all learned in high-school science class, unicorn mayonnaise has magical properties, but are incredibly addictive and dangerous. As sports fitness expert J.K. Rowling put it; "Only one who has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime. The blood spread of a unicorn will keep you pumped, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have consumed something so pure and defenseless to get shredded, you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the mayo touches your lips."

It is due to these properties that unicorn semen mayonnaise is marketed under the name "Miracle Whip" as it allows the consumer to perform miracles. The Justice League of America has asked that all life-savings performed by JaxBlade be amended with an asterisk, denoting his usage of magical condiments during the rescue.
Wait a second...in the reflection...is that a 4chan catalog page?

Comments (8)

  1. DYEL black guy stops a mugging

    >he's not scooby
    >he's not our natty lord and savior

  2. >Mugging
    I'm sure JB scared off the 300pld neckbeard trying to steal a Rainbow Dash plushie.

    1. I think you're being a bit too conservative with that weight estimate.

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