HN is #2 - begins plans for Pimped Out News Van

For over 6 months now, people have been saying that "Horse News is shit". And they are right.
Today, HN is officially "Number 2". Thanks to you, our inexplicable audience, HN is now the second-largest source for MLP fan-news on the planet, after our friends at EQD. This news has of course gone straight to our heads and we plan to clean up our act immediately, the only way that we can; by going on a drinking binge and pimping out a news van.

For those of you who will want sauce on said figures, we will provide the links to for the Number 1 spot, the Number 2 spot, and the New Number 3 spot complete with the 1-month Alexa Global Traffic Data.

This development (which comes following our 1 Millionth View earlier this month) has prompted an urgency for expansion, and so HN has resolved to purchase a practical piece of equipment to assist in our super-important #professional news coverage: a news van.

And our representatives at Horse-News international Headquarters in Detroit, have located a perfect candidate: a $6000 van with after-market rims, from some upstanding individual who only refers to himself as "Mr. B".

Current plans for the van include adding a casting couch in the back, installing a turret/parascope, and welding a satellite dish to the roof to get DirecTV broadcast our "news coverage" from. Our expert thieves electricians also plan on installing a stolen new soundsystem complete with dual subwoofers and an outdoor bullhorn that plays only the song "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins on loop.
In a completely unrelated matter HN is also seeking out fandom artists who are familiar with automotive detailing who are willing and able to paint clop art on a space roughly the length of a large vehicle, no questions asked.
After (artists rendering)
Horse-News staff plans on using this state-of-the-art 1997 Chevrolet Van from Detroit to drive from convention to convention providing coverage of all the pony action that we can witness while doing donuts in the hotel/convention center parking lots (while never actually stopping/parking at them). The van will also be used to distribute HN swag and for runs to the liquor store every 37 minutes.

A new series "Horse News Across America" would be launched immediately as every staff member would quit thier day jobs and drop out of school to travel the open road in a van full of other men with no shower.

Horse News: "Quality Reporting" - M.A. Larson

The staff may take up a kickstarter collection to make this very important investment a reality, if the collective change from our couch cushions, piggy banks, ashtrays, and younger sibling's rooms doesn't equate to $6000 dollars.

So thank you everyone for making a dream we didn't realize we had until a couple hours ago a reality.

Comments (11)

  1. You should add some wings to that van. Maybe a horn. But not both. Make your decision wisely, horsenews.

  2. ". . .new soundsystem complete with dual subwoofers and an outdoor bullhorn that plays only the song "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins on loop."

    Oh god, HN. tfw you guys are either going to pretend that you're Sterling Archer or Tom Cruise's character from Top Gun (damned if I remember the guy's name). =|


  4. You guys are fuckers.

  5. Beating Everfree. More worth celebrating

  6. Indeed. As long as Everfree goes down, I'm happy. Give especially that fatass Everfree employee Osaka Jack a reason to find a REAL job.

  7. You guys didn't show how Derpy Hooves News' ranking compares to EqD, HN, and EFN.

  8. Well Capper you're articles are usually full of faggotry but this was actually pretty decent.
    Shame you don't keep it up.