6.4 Hiatus-quake rocks the fandom, death toll due to boredom in the thousands

At approximately 8:35 AM Eastern Time today, the hiatus-quake struck. The equivalent of what Californians refer to as "the big one" hit the fandom, when literally nothing happened. A 6.4 on the hiatus scale has left millions of sides completely intact. Not a shred of new content to be found anywhere, sending the fandom into a riotous panic of cabin fever and impatience. Our reporters have been on the scene covering the disaster.

Deathtolls from boredom alone are in the thousands, as the hiatus-quake has left millions stranded without any creative material to survive on. Like sailors turning to seawater to quench their thirst, some have turned to other fandoms to try and sustain themselves, only to find that they are just as awful. Our reporters on the scene talked to dozens who were so bored by the lack of content that they have even gone outside long enough to get suntans, and meet members of the opposite sex. The photos of these horrors were too gruesome to publish. Our photography editor was sent an image of a brony NOT in cosplay, on a date with an attractive female and became violently ill.

Equestria Daily is reporting absolutely nothing, having themselves completely run out of things to talk about. Humanitarian efforts to provide lulz to those in need are being dispatched to Minnesota, to cover the imminent failure of a convention which is charging five dollars for lanyards and 60 dollars for a concert, however the supply of side-destroyers will not arrive until this weekend. By then, many fear, it may be too late.

Right-wingers and Tumblrinas have each done their part to provide entertainment to the fandom in its time of need, but their tired crusades for gender roles and neo-feminism have done little to feed the majority of the displaced communities that are starving for content. One even offered, in an act of true compassion, to spit on critics to prove that she isn't childish, providing several crucial hours of entertainment for those most in need.

Hit hardest by the lack of content is Derpibooru, whose users haven't had an original thought in nearly 3 months, surviving almost entirely on daily rations of fresh pornography.

Efforts to reach those stranded at Ponychan and My Little Brony have been fruitless. Officials assume the worst. This initial quake, according to leading hippologists, will not be the last, as aftershocks can be expected to last over the next several weeks.

Victims are advised to stay indoors and ride it out. Help IS on the way.

Comments (7)

  1. If Draftcon going under is anything less than the Titanic sinking, I'm going to be vary disappointed.

    I might not survive.

    Don't let me down HN.

  2. California here.

    Can confirm. Drought everywhere.

  3. Just realized how close you guys are to a million page views.

    1. Maybe they should make an article about that. It would be slightly more news-worthy than this one.

  4. I'm trying to provide as much aid as possible, but I can only draw so much porn in one day. Some people will just have to fend for themselves.

  5. Will >HN actually have a volunteer to report on MLP MSP?