McDonald's Prepares Defenses for Coming Storm

As many of us are already aware, tomorrow marks the day when McDonald's will again be carrying My Little Pony toys in their Happy Meals.

And, for many traumatized survivors and employees, it brings back flashbacks of the unspeakable horrors they witnessed the last time such an event took place.


"I don't think I'll ever really forget it," said one McDonald's employee.  "Even just humming the themesong brings back terrible memories.  I can still smell the noxious body odor of hundreds of unwashed, sweaty men."

The stories of carnage were the same everywhere.  One McDonald's had to be closed after investigators found the bodies of most of the store's employees hanging in the back freezer.  One store also reported that they were forced to hide out in the store office until the new toys came out, having to turn to cannibalism for survival.

A terrified McDonald's employee hiding from the unspeakable horrors

"I took my son into the bathroom only to be greeted by a group of obese men sitting in a circle and masturbating on a pony toy in the middle of them," said McDonald's patron and father Rick Kendricks.  "We both continue to need therapy to this day."

This time around, however, McDonald's is taking steps to ensure they will not repeat the mistakes of the past.

"Tonight we dine at McDonalds!"

"We have given our stores ample warning and instructed them to construct their defenses well in advance," said CEO Donald Thompson.  "We were not prepared for what would happen last time and we have made it our mission not to make the same mistake again."

Stores are trying a variety of tactics to repel the unwashed armies.  Many have dug trenches and moats around their stores, with many also employing more lethal tactics such as spike pits.  Stores have also hired private security and have encouraged the use of lethal force to prevent unauthorized personnel from entering.
Many drive-through windows will be armed with heavy machine gun turrets, as well as coin bins for McDonald house charities.

Private security force standing guard outside a McDonalds

"We realize that there is a very good chance innocent people may be caught in the crossfire," says Thompson, "but it is a risk we are willing to take if it means providing better protection for our employees and patrons."

The greatest threat that many managers are worried about comes from the legions of Applefags who will become enraged berzerkers at their waifus' absence from the store. At press time, East-Coast night shift managers have begun donning their warrior clown facepaint, and distributing pistols and cyanide capsules to their employees.