Staff Circlejerk #1 - CrazyIvan the Autistic Dueler

OC not available because fuck you
Article Theme Song

CrazyÏvan - Deformed, Delivered, Dueler
A Writer's Profile by MLPcritic

Among every group of great men there is the lovable yet lazy autistic person we look down upon but keep around because they make the rest happy and laugh a few times. The Beatles had Ringo, The Rat Pack had Sammy, Germany had Hitler, and Horse-News has perhaps the greatest of them all: Mr. CrazyÏvan.

I sat down with Ivan Fuck real life, I interviewed autism incarnate over skype with a message of Friendship and Banana Stickers, and got the exclusive scoop that all 12 7 4 1 none of you wanted to hear!

Ïvan was born on a cool autumn night on October 28th, 1992. When he arrived in to this world, his mother immediately threw up the fried butter provided to every expecting southern woman, then drove three states over and left him in the care of the Colbert family in South Carolina. Considering the family has a knack for making awful people famous, it's no wonder Ïvan has done so well with all ONE of his articles on Horse News!

Ïvan ran away at the age of 13 in the search of lulz, trying his best to follow after his older brother Stephen. Unfortunately, everyone already knew he wasn't funny, so life was hard. He would have to provide cheap magic tricks and sexual acts along side a man who only went by the pseudonym of ClosingOutline. Ïvan had to do this until the age of 16, when the wayward son of ours stole a laptop off a self hating male PurpleTinker a crack whore, and soon discovered a love for two things: YuGiOh and 4chinz.

Oh Ivan-kun. You so silly :3
With his dirty cum stained cash in hand, he bought his first deck and went around the entire country, as well as Texas, dueling. Wins came far and in between at first, but thanks to /b/ he developed a better strategy, traded cards, and exchanged a handjob for the final piece of Exodia the Forbidden One. At this point he was winning nearly every tournament he entered, gaining tons of cash prizes and $20 gift cards to Toys R Us. He made a modest living and settled down with the Egyptian hookers he so rightfully earned through his mad skills. Soon, fits of boredom led to CrazyÏvan's venture in to writing, a saucy fanfic starring Yugi and Kuriboh. It became an obsession.

Through his dueling, fanfics, and saucy attitude, CrazyÏvan became a leader on the dueling networks online, near the tip-top of the totem pole. Yet, somehow, it felt empty. His life was collecting shekels from the internet, browsing /b/, and getting naked oil massages from gorgeous women of middle eastern decent. It just wasn't right. That's when it happened. He found the sick fucks.

CrazyÏvan told this reporter that he stumbled upon some /b/read when he saw the most gorgeous thing he had ever laid eyes on. Best Second Best pony, and best princess, Luna. Who was this gorgeous creature? Why was his erection the same consistency as diamonds? What was this wonderful thi-wait is this pony?

Who wouldn't want to cuddle this?
Yep. It's a pony. "Fuck it" CrazyÏvan screamed as he ripped off his pants and began furiously defying God's will all over his keyboard. This was it, this was the moment. Suddenly, a bright green flash slammed through the windows of his 2 bedroom apartment, and the smile of a redneck child in Wal-Mart was plastered on his face. He was now hooked.

Then came the creation of /mlp/, CrazyÏvan's home from it's founding. Abandoning the even more degrading life of YuGiOh, Ïvan developed writing full time on /mlp/ and the fan community, even starting up with My Little Oedipus. Years later, he began hearing air raid sirens and found a start up project called Horse-News. CrazyÏvan told us he "literally dropped writing Incest" and signed up immediately. He was allowed on the staff soon after, then wrote one article. Clearly this was his Magnum Opus, because he hasn't done shit since then he's been preoccupied with several other projects since then.

Where is CrazyÏvan looking for in the future? During his time with us, he hopes to finally write that big second article, get shit faced at more conventions, and move on to greater fan fics, including a sid fic to /mlp/'s War and Peace, "Fallout: Equestria". However, after the ride finally breaks down from over use and faulty management, Ïvan plans to continue writing IRL, perhaps settle down, and have a few mutated children of his own.

Good luck you autistic hick.

Want to contact CrazyÏvan?      EMAIL

Horse-News would like to apologize to the Colbert family at this time. We are still kind of mad about your son refusing to add a "Horsefuckers Unlimited" section to his show

Comments (0)