Behind Enemy Lines: Draftcon 2015

That's right, I did it. After my request for 9000 dollars to cover the convention was denied, I carpooled my way down to Minnesota to stay with 5 other guys in a hotel room and attend the fabled Draftcon.

With nothing but a hotel notepad and pen, two Hawaiian shirts, a bottle of rum and two-liter of Coke, a horse mask, and a Rainbow Dash dakimakura (I swear it wasn't mine), I braved the halls of the airport Ramada, teeming with the influx of bronies that tends to follow these gatherings.

This is one of the guys I roomed with. What, you thought I was joking?

What follows are various recountings of the panels I went to in my time there, with a heavy focus on the ever-present cringe and just plain brony-ness (for lack of a better term). Without further ado, let's see just what went down at Draftcon 2015...

Bronies React Panel

The entire panel consisted of people who make not-all-that-funny YouTube videos answering questions. If you've ever seen a Q&A at a MLP convention, you probably know how this one went down. It had all the generic questions, such as "How did you get into voice acting YouTubing?" The biggest surprise of this panel is that four question-askers went out of their way to congratulate/thank/offer oral sex to the panelists and three even gave them gifts. This panel set the convention high in both of these categories, even beating out the VA panels.

While the vast majority of this panel could be thrown in under the "Don't Care" category, it did provide for a couple of good moments. BlackGryphon told a story about Vincent Tong and finishing early in the bathroom, but he also provided one of the highlights of the con when he talked about how he had wanted an "extra level of protection" with Michelle Creber. Take that as you will.

VA Panel

I made sure to arrive early to grab good seats!

For some reason including BlackGryphon. Probably going to have to edit this first sentence out when the pandas that be give him an actual role in the show, though (episode 107, it's happening). This panel stood out by grabbing the convention-high in cringe; with my one-drink-per-cringe drinking game, this panel put me seven shots deep. Anyway, if you've seen one VA panel you've seen them all, and I thought it would be best to write this section by just putting down some of my favorite quotes and generic questions from the panel:

"I'm back!"
     -Irrelevant brony who thinks the VAs know/care

"If you could meet your character in real life, what would you say to them?"

"What inspires you to do your voices?" (asked twice)

"Hopefully my residency will allow me to do it."
     -BlackGryphon either referring to voice acting or his relationship with Michelle Creber

"Who's your favorite pony besides your own?"

"I noticed this one small detail in this one episode..."
   -Basically every brony, although this one actually ended up talking about the fanmade episode jjjjj       "Double Rainboom..."

"How did you get into voice acting?" (asked three times)

"I've been doing research on a lot of you..."
     -Brony who should be delighted to receive some autographed restraining orders in the mail

And the last but certainly not least question of the panel was a real doozy:
"What is your personal headcanon on Princess Luna's guards?"

I also got to witness the high point of brony fashion:

Oh yeah, and one of those tech guys in front of me had a Lyra plushie. I almost wished I could have gotten a picture from the rear view, but then I realize what that would probably look like and decide this is probably for the best.

Musician's Panel

Mostly listened to them talk about stuff like DJ equipment, music programs, and music terminology that all went way over my head. But unfortunately for them, I didn't zone out enough to miss this one:

"...I paid for sessions..."
-Tetsuo

SFM Panel

This was just watching funny videos. However, is it just me or does that Twilight doll look really familiar?

I think this next picture can best sum up this panel:

Ralph Streich's Agent Panel

Probably my favorite panel, actually. Literally everyone who asks a question at a VA panel should be forced to attend this panel, as it pretty much answered most of their generic "how do I get into voice acting" questions. It also answered it in a much more in-depth manner than any sick-of-hearing-this-shit VA is going to. And, in true Draftcon fashion, one of the traits stressed when looking for VA jobs was PROFESSIONALISM!

VA Panel II: Electric Boogaloo

After notifying con staff that I write for Horse News, I demanded an upgrade in seating.
This is what I got.

Yep, I subjected myself through another one of these. This time, I only only added four shots to my count from straight-up cringe. However, I had to make a distinct category for a specific type of cringe that, for some reason, showed up way more than usual in this panel: Questions involving Princess Luna, choice pony of autists everywhere ("She's socially awkward and never goes out in the sunlight, just like me!"). Had to add an extra five shots of cringe just for Luna questions; add these to the four other cringe-y questions and that should let you know what kind of panel this was.

Thankfully, a large stretch of the Q&A was cut out for a live reading of a comic. That was probably the only thing saving me from alcohol poisoning. Like last time, I wrote down some quotes:

"On YouTube there was a person that said Luna is fully controlled by a dark force..."
     -Autist promoting his fanfic or something

"I'm an aspiring voice actor in the fandom..."
     -Literally everyone in the fandom

"How did you come up with the voices?"

"Why does Luna's hair change?"
     -Person who forgot this isn't the animators' panel

"How do you feel about [ship]?"

"What goes into a recording session?"

And, like last time, let's end with some Luna-based autism:
"Tabitha, what do you think of my shirt?"
     -Guy wearing a Luna shirt

The Cathy (and Drafty) Panel

Also referred to as the "C&D" Panel. Run by Cathy Weseluck, this was basically 90 minutes of sob stories and trying to make this show seem way bigger than it actually is. This shit got so deep that not even my 6'6" ass could stand any longer. Highlights of this panel will be presented in bulleted format to make it more palatable, along with the regular quotes and such, since I had two fucking pages of solid gold notes from this one:

-There are currently 10-15 million bronies out there. That currently makes the brony population greater than any army in the world, although it could still be easily taken down by Ramsay Bolton and his 20 good men.

-At one point, Cathy led the audience in a cult chanting of the elements of harmony. Considering the unfortunate "accident" that took place at the punch-tasting panel earlier in the day, I'm starting to worry a bit about this fandom...

"This one tastes like rat poison!"

-Most bronies said they mostly relate to Fluttershit. If this fact surprises you, you probably stumbled upon this site while looking for Equestria Daily. Allow me to welcome you to our humble site with a simple yet profound message, one that each of us live by: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02p7D9H6_TA

-Cathy said something about the fandom reaching a "critical mass," probably referring to most of the people within it.

-There was a story told about someone being touched by bronies. I'm sure we'll get more details from national news on this one...

And don't worry, this one had great quotes too!

"The truth sets you free and gives you your power back."
     -Cathy forgetting she's not at a convention for The Matrix.

"I'm super introverted."
     -Brony describing the entire fandom

"I'm one of the plowers."
     -Final Draft, who probably thinks boobs feel like "bags of sand," describing his sex life

"'All bronies are old, overweight men that have something wrong with them.'"
     -Most accurate statement of the convention

"I'm like Fluttershy, and Pinkie, and Twilight, and also Spike..."

"I'd already been a nice guy..."
     -Guy who will never get laid

And, of course, let's end on a strong note:
"Spike seems to be more romantically mature than Rarity."

Saturday Night Concerts

I didn't go to Friday's, and I'm also not entirely sure who was playing. Oh, did some of you want that information? Well that's too bad...

...Because I was busy exploiting the convention's complete and utter lack of security. As a result, I spent the sets hanging out backstage with Hollowpoint, Garnika, and I think even Braeburned was there for some reason.

Hell, I even got up onstage during Tetsuo's set...

Not a lot of people stayed this late, I guess...

This was probably the most fun I had at the convention, and I'm also pretty sure Ingrid Nilson now has a video of me dancing drunkenly in a horse mask on her phone (enjoy that...).

Larson Panels

One on writing for the show and one over "BUY MY BOOK!" Originally, these was supposed to be just (based) Larson on the panel. However, a few days before the con, it was discovered that another MLP writer would be attending the convention and was thrown into the mix. And it was none other than (wait for it)...

Ted "Kill All Men" Anderson.

Larson was his usual self, kicking ass and taking names. He talked about how Rarity is the best pony to write (Ha! Suck it, faglords! Best horse!), how he wants to make an episode that is basically Lawless but with ponies, made a Freudian slip confirming Applejack as actually a male, In his book panel (which I believe is called 007: Penny Royale), he talked about how he hates bad witches and how we should give him our money.

For the first part of the writers' panel, Ted "Check Your Privilege CIS Shitlord" Anderson actually composed himself well and seemed like a normal writer. But don't worry, he didn't make it through two panels without dropping a few great Ted-isms:

"I would want to do a transgendered story. I think it's a corner of representation that the show could use."

"(Some soapboxing about the lack of female characters in video games cartoons)"

"Is this a reaction to the princess culture she's been exposed to?"
     -Ted "Fuck the Bourgeoisie" Anderson

God dammit Ted. Hey, at least the panel-goers provided enough shit of their own to cover the scent of his:

"I'm gonna give you an idea: Have Pegasi warrior houses all over Equestria just like my Game of Thrones crossover fic!"

"Shorty McShort Shorts"
     -Larson making fun of manlets (#based)

Lastly, although not really a quote, some brony showed Larson a picture of her OC (which I'm sure he really cared about). It was a generic purple and black alicorn that basically looked like Princess Luna.

This is the closest in depiction I could find. Ooh, it's for sale!

Voice Actors Panel III

Are you shitting me? Two was more than enough...

*                                   *                                   *

All tuckered out from reporting...

And there you have it, the Draftcon Experience. Much like a normal convention experience but with more people you don't like. But all in all, no shit went down (until Draft gets collections notices about the debt racked up from running the con), I went to a lot of backstage places I probably wasn't supposed to, got a free button from ToxicMario (thanks fam), and I even had a little fun (I didn't want to, I was drunk! It forced itself onto me!).

Having said that, I think my rating for the convention can be best conveyed with the limited-edition pins that a few of the staffers made:

But after three days of shenanigans, there was only one real way I could leave Draftcon: