Saturday Synopsis: Rainbow Falls

Pictured above: Big Mclargehuge  Smash-It Steve  Bulk Biceps.
Saturday has arrived, and a new episode along with it. And thus, naturally, the promised recap for those that can't be bothered to actually watch the damn thing. I wouldn't recommend it.

Rather than read this article, an episode link can be found here. But for how long it will remain, who knows.

The episode kicks with the "official name" for Snowflake being the largely unimpressive Bulk Biceps. As if to make sure we couldn't forget it, they made sure to utter it twice within the same 10 seconds. Dash makes sure to drill the importance of how much she Ponyville needs to make it into the games, with limited success. Naturally, this is the point that Pinkie shows up and screams down a megaphone directly into Fluttershy's face for no damn reason.

On the bright side, you won't be able to hear her shit for another 20 minutes.
As we return, we follow the gang on a train-ride to their destination, where a couple of familiar characters step in to wish Dash luck in her events... With shit-eating grins plastered on their faces. Twilight completely misses the sarcasm like the social retard she is. Pinkie is then revealed to have been underneath Bulk for the whole ti-- Wait, what? They can't do that on a Christian show! 

The train finally arrives in their destination - Rainbow Falls. As expected, there are more rainbows than a gay-pride parade, or a Saturday night on /lgbt/. Out of NOWHERE, Doctor Whooves with wings appears to gush over Dash. But it's okay, guys! That's just another character! Even though it looks the exact same as him but with wings! He was in Sonic Rainboom, remember? IT'S FINE.

The Pubertie Mark is ambiguous, but still, put in some goddamn effort.
Lo and behold, the Wonderbolts arrive to bid welcome. Soarin' actually gets some lines in! A damn shame he sounds like a bloody idiot. Take that, Soarinfags. The good news, however, is that only moments later, a couple of cheer-leading ponies come in to make their debut. And we ALL know that there's going to be a LOT of porn of them. If there isn't already. Actually, let me pause to check... Nothing yet? No porn yet. Shit, guys. Step it up.

After Dash outlines the goal of the first exercise - to reach the finish line - Biceps steps up to flap his roid-ravaged wings in the general direction of the flag. He ends up taking a pastry to the face. Pan to reveal two ponies spouting the (apparently) new may-may "Hooves down, Cakes up". Really, fandom? I shit out better lines than that daily. Next, the two practice the "baton pass", which consists of a horse-shoe. Fluttershy predictably drops it, but THEN who else should pick it up, declare it to be shoddy and take it away to be painted? Rarity does. Bitch has her priorities right, though, that horseshoe was rusty as hell.


Picking up where they left off, they decide to watch the Wonderbolt's Soarin' practising a hoop run of some kind, the sort of course you saw in Superman 64. You played that, right? I sure as hell did. Hated it. But I don't hate the return of the cheer-leading ponies who show up to provide more lewd potential. Sadly, even Soarin' can't resist looking at that fine piece of ass, and crashes into the side of a hoop. Shock and horror, as he plummets towards the camera. Dash proceeds to catch his crippled ass and provoke yet another wave of shipping art, while Biceps reveals that he is, in fact, dumb as an Irish Submarine. 

As Soarin' is carted off, the remaining two Wonderbolts draw attention to the fact that as a former resident of Cloudsdale, she COULD join their team instead of Ponyville's. OH NO LOOK OUT IT'S A TEST OF LOYALTY, GEE I WONDER HOW THIS WILL TURN OUT said absolutely nobody with a brain. Although Dash actually agrees, it's kinda obvious how this is going to end up. If nothing else, we get a short montage set to a tune suspiciously similar to Rocky's "Going The Distance", followed up the Cheerleaders making another debut, sparking yet more potential for porn. Why the hell isn't that done already?

As expected, Fluttershy is useless at wing-ups. Biceps can't even touch the ground with them, to my amusement. But hey, the guy can juggle with his biceps. Wing-ups ain't shit compared to that. The Wonderbolt's costumes turn out to be sleek and stylish, while Rarity somehow fucks up and dresses the Ponyville duo like god damn hippies. Shortly thereafter, the Wonderbolts duo shows up to announce that Soarin' is going to remain crippled long, probably long enough to end up in a Katawa Shoujo fanfic, and thus they want her to join the team - Permanently. Now, if Rainbow Dash is actually supposed to be loyal, it should be a no-brainer. But NOOOO there has to be a serious think about it. Element of Loyalty those cheerleader's perky asses.

So, rather than make the obvious choice, she rolls up the next day in a wheelchair. Giving the least convincing acting since Double Rainboom, she manages to convince everyone of her dilemma thanks to the wonderful plot device called the "Idiot Ball". Everyone except Purple Smart, that is. Her and the Doctor they end up taking her to. Regardless, everyone comes to visit her in the hospital, including Bulk and Fluttershy. They cheerfully inform her that they already found a replacement, who steps into the door-- HOLY SHIT



Let's be honest, is the episode going to get better than that? No, but I have to watch it anyway because of you folk. Darn. Anyway, before the parting, Twilight informs Dash that "Choosing not to choose isn't really a decision." The kind of wisdom you'd find in a god damn fortune cookie. As they leave, Soarin' reveals himself to be in the bed to the side, informing Dash that none of the 'Bolts came to visit him. Turns out they intentionally kept him there so they could wrangle Dash into their team. Sucks to be you, Spitfirefags, they made your waifu into a total bitch. Take it up with the writers. 

As Dash sits there, a light shines through a glass pitcher that apparently has the properties of a freaking prism, as it shines a rainbow on the flag depicted above, which was dropped by BEST HORSE because she's clumsy but we love her for it. Just like Rarity in the other episode (depicted just below), Dash's eyes glow in a strange pattern. Why? I don't know! Don't question plot devices. It's significant, or whatever.

1-800 contacts? They can't have my brand! I have SPECIAL EYES.
Cut to the rest of the six, moping around. "Even with Dash's replacement," says Twilight, "I don't think we're gonna qualify! ...No offense," she quickly adds to BEST HORSE who shrugs it off with a flawless smile. It's at this point that Dash turns up with Soarin' in tow, announcing that she was never hurt to begin with. The crowd gathered gasps as a shrill scream plays in the background. Most likely from BEST HORSE who is again shown. 

The mandatory moralistic speech is given about "it's where muh friends are" and so on and god who cares about this part. The 'Bolts invite Soarin' back into the team, who immediately forgives them on the spot, and everyone else rushes off to prepare for this... What were they qualifying for again? Shit, I forgot. It was cheer-leading or something, right? Yeah, they rush off to prepare for this thing they're doing. As they compete, doing surprisingly well, the cheer-leaders return one more time only to be RUINED FOREVER by the participation of Pinkie. Hey, so THIS is why there's no porn of them! Fucking Ponka Pone.

Regardless of everything else that happened, Ponyville qualifies by a mere millisecond. Sometimes you forget the target audience, so of course something like this would happen. 

Shortly before this photo, Dash is presented with a badge in the shape of a lightning bolt by Spitfire, that is quite obviously the second mystery object of plot importance gained through the receiver's element. If you can call that crap she called "loyalty" what it was. 2 down, 4 to go.

So whoop-de-fucking doo, they won the whatever. Everybody wins. But there's something that a lot of people are forgetting. The real victory today wasn't part of the episode itself. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. I'm sure you get my meaning enough that I don't have to spell it out to you. You can all leave here with a smile, silently knowing just what victory we achieved today.

- Grumpy Old Fart

Comments (15)

  1. I'm really liking where this site is going, and your synopsis...synposes.... fucking your summaries. quit using fancy words faggot. They are amusing as hell. Can't wait for all the cheer leader porn by the time I wake up.

    1. >quit using fancy words
      Cancerous /b/-tard detected.

      The plural of "synopsis" is "synopses" btw.

  2. I stay away from any spoilers for upcoming episodes and when Derpy showed up on screen i shit myself with the force of 9000 glorious muffins.

    Best pony is BACK!

  3. 'cheerleader porn.'

    I'm on it, sir faggot.

    1. Well I had a bit of a block, but i did get some NSFW plot done:

  4. I use to sometimes read EQD's summaries of episodes...

    Fuck that gay-ass safe-for-Tumblr-and-other-brain-damaged-babies bullSHIT now that THESE are around.

  5. Fluttershy enjoying Bulk Biceps display - Fluttershy confirmed for straight?

  6. Holy shit, now THIS is comedic commentary. I will be looking forward to reading your writing at the end of each week, sir. Is there any more for us to read, do you write stories in a general or anything?

    1. For now, Saturday Synopsis is all I handle. I could probably volunteer for more, but that means more effort. Ehhhh. If the Editor wants me to handle something else, he'll ask and I'll do.

  7. Finally! An episode synopsis that I can fap to!

  8. "Choosing not to choose isn't really a choice" except that it is. Doing nothing is completely a choice and will have consequences just like choosing between flying for Ponyville or flying for Ponyville.

  9. I like this. Don't normally bother with post episode writeups like these, but this one was pretty funny. Looking forward to more.

  10. 9/10 episode if I ever saw one.
    Also great synopsis, horse news' future sure looks to be damn great.

  11. You forgot the part where McCarthy spoiled Derpy's appearance and then spoiled it again just in case someone missed the first one