Pony Merchandise Preview

Recently, Toy Fair 2014 gave fans everywhere a preview of what kind of merchandise Hasbro will be releasing in the upcoming year.  Fans of Hasbro lines such as Nerf and Transformers were probably happy about what cool new toys they’ll get to play with next, but the big question revolves around Hasbro’s most volatile consumer base: Fans of My Little Pony.

Horse lovers everywhere have been eagerly awaiting Hasbro’s announcement of future My Little Pony toys, hoping Hasbro will take their suggestions to heart.  Will there finally be brushables that are specially designed for easy removal of semen from hair?  Will plushies finally come pre-equipped with fleshlights?  Will we see a line of Equestria Girls blow-up dolls?

The answer, unfortunately, appears to be a resounding “no.”  Here are the three products that Hasbro has released information about:

1. Flip and Whirl Rainbow Dash

This Rainbow Dash toy “speaks fun phrases,” and it’s probably not the dirty talk we are all expecting/hoping for (unless you take the phrases in some strange, fetish-related context).  Rainbow Dash also performs a backflip when pushed into a seated position, almost as if Hasbro knew and wanted to prevent what you were planning to do with this toy.  Finally, you can customize Rainbow Dash by using tramp stamps stickers which “easily rub onto the figure,” leading us to believe that this figure is also well-suited for the purpose of rubbing off.

2.  Rainbow Kingdom Playset

Hasbro’s way of reminding us that Rainbow Power is coming and there is no way to stop it.  This description, however, may have dropped a hint or two about the future of the show.  The castle is described as “fit for a pony princess.”  Now, who is the only pony princess without a castle?  

Only pony princess without a castle for now...

The playset also comes with “friendship keys” that can be used to unlock magical accessories within the kingdom.  Could these “friendship keys” be in some way alluding to that box we saw way back at the beginning of the season?  Maybe, once the ponies find all the keys, the box will open to reveal their very own Rainbow Kingdom Playset! Or something like that…

3. Equestria Girls Dolls that Rock

Hasbro’s way of reminding us that Equestria Girls 2: Electric Scootaloo Rainbow Rocks is coming and there is no way to stop it.  These dolls will have the ability to “come to life” and sing “the My Little Pony Equestria Girls song.”  What the hell do they mean by the “Equestria Girls song?”  Do they mean that song that they used for a promo back in the days we thought we were safe from the ponies being anything other than ponies?  Do they mean “Helping Twilight Win the Crown?”  Or, perhaps, could it be a snippet of a new song to be featured in Rainbow Rocks?  This is also the toy that mentioned the whole “Adagio Dazzle” thing, which some have speculated may be the new canon name for Vinyl Scratch.  A number of theories have already come up about this: It could be another EqG-only character (like Sunset Shimmer) or it could actually be Vinyl Scratch’s real name (meaning that, perhaps, Vinyl Scratch is her DJ name?).  But how can we overlook what appears to be the most emphasized part of the toy’s description: The ability to give and receive high-fives.  We have no idea why the description felt the need to mention the toy’s high-fiveability more than once, but apparently that’s a huge selling point to certain demographics.